Clara's pregnancy and birth were pretty well documented but for the sake of having a condensed story, I'll sum it up here.
After I miscarried end of August, Dr. Nett sent me to the hematologist. Most doctors will make you wait for three miscarriages but she feels like two is good enough. The OB office took a lot of blood samples before sending me to the hematologist and they came back with a genetic mutation, MTHFR which controversially is linked to miscarriage because it affects blood clotting. My hematologist was annoyed that my OB had tested for MTHFR and bothered to send me to him. He personally felt like there was no link whatsoever to miscarriage. I had read so much about it on the internet and in different research papers that I wasn't sure I agreed. Anyways, he was getting paid to meet with me so he followed procedure and asked me plenty of personal questions. I have a history of bad circulation and period issues and after our discussion the hematologist was sure I would test positive for Von Willebrand disease. He ordered another 20 vials of blood so we could be sure it wasn't something else. To his and our surprise, the results came back fine. He told me to exercise for circulation and that I should stop worrying. He saw plenty of people who had 6+ miscarriages and they would eventually have success. He did a great job of making me feel like I was a complete waste of his time and that I should just suck it up and keep losing babies until I had success. I strongly dislike that doctor.
If an OB believes MTHFR is linked to miscarriage, they'll prescribe progesterone, or even progesterone shots through the first trimester of pregnancy. Dr. Nett told me it couldn't hurt to start taking a baby aspirin every day and prescribed me progesterone so that the next time I got pregnant, I could take them immediately. I was on board with the idea and grateful to have something to contribute to the next pregnancy.
We found out we were pregnant again on Christmas Day 2010. I woke up feeling off that morning and couldn't stomach the thought of eating the candy in our stockings- very abnormal for me. I took a test but it was so faint, I couldn't tell if it was positive. A couple hours later I was still feeling that distinct morning sickness so I took another test (I buy the cheap ones in bulk on Amazon). This time, there was a definite line. Because I was tracking everything, I knew I was 4 weeks. I was a jumble of emotions but the one that trumped them all was hope. Keith and I tiptoed around it and didn't really talk about it until my first appointment. I took the progesterone diligently and my hormone levels were tracked weekly. Everything looked promising and I was over the moon to see a healthy baby on that first ultrasound. I was sick from the day I found out until 15ish weeks. I wasn't quite as tired and nauseous as I was with Mackenzie and we announced the pregnancy after my ultrasound. It was nice to be monitored closely, I had extra ultrasounds and testing which gave me peace of mind.
Things that stand out from this pregnancy: sciatic nerve pain, cravings for healthier foods, very little weight gain in the beginning and constant weight gain in the second half, I carried her more in my back, the constant contractions!, less swelling, she was transverse until 38 weeks when she turned on her own. I knew the day she turned because it was so painful but I was glad to avoid the external cephalic version I had planned in the instance she didn't turn on her own.
I didn't know if I was going to shoot for a natural birth this time around. There was a part of me that really wanted to experience it, but I also wanted to enjoy the birth. We decided to induce a couple of days early due to our own personal feelings and inspiration. I'm so glad we did because the birth was perfect. I had been contracting like crazy all week and felt my body was ready. I progressed perfectly and opted for the epidural which is a decision I don't regret at all. When it came time to push, the room was charged with excitement. It took just a few minutes and she was in my arms. This time, I was so happy to have her on me so I could get a proper look at her. Moments before her birth, I told the nurse we were debating between the names Lydia and Clara. When I saw her, I knew she was a Clara. She was such a bright spot in our lives already and I wanted her name to reflect that. That birth was filled with joy and peace and the spirit was so strong in our room. I remember the nurse telling me I tore and I didn't even care. I was happily numb and the only bothering me was hunger. I am so hungry after delivering, it's one of the only things I can focus on:)
They wheeled me up to recovery about an hour after she was born and they were still monitoring me closely. I was bleeding too much but was a little oblivious to it. They upped my pitocin and continued to monitor me closely through the night. I remember being so irritated with all of the nurses for constantly waking me and not allowing me to fall asleep with Clara in my arms (hospital policy). Clara was really fussy and threw up everything she ate for the first day because she had fluid in her lungs she needed to work out. I was nervous and tired but I'm glad I could be monitored in case I started hemorrhaging. It was wonderful to leave the hospital and enjoy our sweet baby in the comfort of our home.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Unshared Birth Story #3
This is the hardest one to write.
Right after I miscarried, we went to Utah/Idaho to visit family for a few weeks. I had been working out really regularly and continued to go on runs while I was there. I remember one day in particular that I was so tired on my run, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I recalled my sister-in-law telling me she always knew she was pregnant because she would be so tired. The thought crossed my mind but I pushed it away and went on to enjoy the vacation with extra naps filling my time.
When we came home, I realized my period was about a week late. I wasn't sure what was going on with my body and decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I was so nonchalant about it and was shocked to see the pregnant line turn pink before the control line even showed up. I was 5 weeks and feeling surprisingly good. The previous two pregnancies I had felt definite morning sickness but this time, I just felt giddy. The morning I found out, I went to visit some good friends. While I was visiting with Suzy she asked straight out if I was pregnant. I'm a terrible liar and she knew by my face the answer was yes. After that visit, we went to Michigan with friends and when I came back all of 6 weeks pregnant I had about 3 other friends ask me if I was pregnant. Apparently my glow was showing and word quickly spread. I was so excited about the news, I was happy to have others to share it with. I also knew I wanted support in the future if I did happen to lose the baby. The sickness kicked in right around that time but I wasn't as bothered by it and had no thoughts that I might miscarry again.
The earliest the OB could get me in for a first checkup was 9 weeks. I hadn't yet been to an OB in Louisville but was excited to meet Dr. Nett whom everyone loved. I walked into that appointment so excited to see my baby for the first time. I was alone because Keith had a busy school schedule and definitely couldn't take off a morning for something routine and I had left Kenzie with my friend Amber. I saw Dr. Nett first. I was measured and weighed and given an exam. All checked out well and she confirmed my uterus was measuring 9 weeks. I confidently went into the ultrasound room. My first ultrasound with Kenzie was at 8 weeks so I had an idea of what everything should look like. As soon as the wand hit my stomach and the picture showed up, I knew something was wrong. The tech asked the date of my last period and I told her. She told me the baby was measuring closer to 6 weeks and the yolk sac was still visible. She also tried to reassure me that I could have the date wrong, it happened all of the time. I told her I was confident in the date and had taken a very positive pregnancy test around the date she thought the baby was conceived. She continued to take several pictures and didn't talk the rest of the time, her face showing concern. There was a little movement from the baby but not a steady heartbeat. I knew that moment the baby wasn't going to make it. Dr. Nett came in with so much love and optimistic support. She told me to go home, try not to move around much and to not worry (ha) and come back in a week to check on things. This baby would make it, they so often did. I just had the dates wrong, my hcg was still high from the last pregnancy, this baby would live.
I started spotting that night.
I spotted the rest of the week. I was so sick to my stomach it was hard to eat. I moped, I fretted and I cried. I told a few close friends who also offered optimistic support. The week dragged and on August 30, it was finally time for a 10 week check.
The ultrasound was first this time and the sac was basically empty and not a trace of a heartbeat. Just a big black hole under a stretched out stomach. The tech was silent as I cried silent tears by myself in a cold, dark room. Why did I go by myself? My friend Amber had offered, I just didn't know how badly I would want a hand to hold. Dr. Nett came in and held me. This woman who had known me for 10 minutes was crying with me and telling me if she was queen of the world, this would never happen. She took me back into the exam room and gave me my options. A D&C, Cytotec or wait it out. I did not want to wait it out, it seemed agonizing. A D&C always carries the risk of scar tissue so I chose Cytotec which would help my cervix soften. Maybe she talked to me in detail about it and I was in such a fog, I couldn't think but I really wish I knew what I was getting myself into.
I was crying so hard, they showed me the stairs so I wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room. I'm sure I called Keith, but I don't even remember. I went to pick up Kenzie and Amber was there again as a wonderful support. When Keith got home that night at dinnertime, I inserted the first pill. I was mildly cramping within a half hour so I continued to use them as prescribed. That was a big mistake as I had no idea what I was in for. We settled in for the night on the couch watching a show because I couldn't sleep through the cramping. Keith stayed up with me until about midnight or one when I started passing clots. He gave me a blessing and went to bed. The pain really kicked in about 2 AM. I called the doctors office and told the doc on call how much pain I was in and asked if that was normal and could I take any painkillers? She was so cold and callus. She said, "Well you're having a miscarriage, what did you expect? Take a little ibuprofen, you'll get through it." After I got off the phone with her, I broke down. I felt so belittled and alone.
My praying became more fervent as the pain intensified and I continued passing clots for two more hours. I had never felt so alone in my life. And yet, I knew the Savior was with me, helping me bear this burden. Around 4:30 AM, I was seriously thinking something was wrong and was debating waking Keith to take me to the hospital when I had the urge to push. I went to the bathroom and pushed for about 10 minutes until the bulk of baby and tissue passed. I was too horrified to even look. The relief for my body was immediate. I went to bed and finally found rest. A few hours later, my friend knocked on the door and took Kenzie for a few hours. I was so grateful, I needed to rest so badly. I was physically weak for a couple of days and really emotionally drained.
The most beneficial thing for me was to talk to my sisters. Nycole is always so compassionate and Rachel had been through a miscarriage herself that was further along but our emotions were very similar. I also had really sweet friends drop off little notes and gifts and word spread well enough that I only had a couple awkward situations a few weeks down the road in which I had to explain why my stomach was shrinking, not growing. It was an emotional roller coaster for a few months. I didn't feel like myself and it was strenuous on my marriage. Luckily we were on the brink of fall, my favorite season. It helped to throw myself into all of the festivities and to focus on the beautiful child I did have.
I'm grateful now for this experience. I still cannot recall it without pain but it has given me greater compassion for others and helped me cherish all that I have. It also opened my eyes to all of the goodness around me and the kind friends and family that I have been blessed with.
Right after I miscarried, we went to Utah/Idaho to visit family for a few weeks. I had been working out really regularly and continued to go on runs while I was there. I remember one day in particular that I was so tired on my run, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I recalled my sister-in-law telling me she always knew she was pregnant because she would be so tired. The thought crossed my mind but I pushed it away and went on to enjoy the vacation with extra naps filling my time.
When we came home, I realized my period was about a week late. I wasn't sure what was going on with my body and decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I was so nonchalant about it and was shocked to see the pregnant line turn pink before the control line even showed up. I was 5 weeks and feeling surprisingly good. The previous two pregnancies I had felt definite morning sickness but this time, I just felt giddy. The morning I found out, I went to visit some good friends. While I was visiting with Suzy she asked straight out if I was pregnant. I'm a terrible liar and she knew by my face the answer was yes. After that visit, we went to Michigan with friends and when I came back all of 6 weeks pregnant I had about 3 other friends ask me if I was pregnant. Apparently my glow was showing and word quickly spread. I was so excited about the news, I was happy to have others to share it with. I also knew I wanted support in the future if I did happen to lose the baby. The sickness kicked in right around that time but I wasn't as bothered by it and had no thoughts that I might miscarry again.
The earliest the OB could get me in for a first checkup was 9 weeks. I hadn't yet been to an OB in Louisville but was excited to meet Dr. Nett whom everyone loved. I walked into that appointment so excited to see my baby for the first time. I was alone because Keith had a busy school schedule and definitely couldn't take off a morning for something routine and I had left Kenzie with my friend Amber. I saw Dr. Nett first. I was measured and weighed and given an exam. All checked out well and she confirmed my uterus was measuring 9 weeks. I confidently went into the ultrasound room. My first ultrasound with Kenzie was at 8 weeks so I had an idea of what everything should look like. As soon as the wand hit my stomach and the picture showed up, I knew something was wrong. The tech asked the date of my last period and I told her. She told me the baby was measuring closer to 6 weeks and the yolk sac was still visible. She also tried to reassure me that I could have the date wrong, it happened all of the time. I told her I was confident in the date and had taken a very positive pregnancy test around the date she thought the baby was conceived. She continued to take several pictures and didn't talk the rest of the time, her face showing concern. There was a little movement from the baby but not a steady heartbeat. I knew that moment the baby wasn't going to make it. Dr. Nett came in with so much love and optimistic support. She told me to go home, try not to move around much and to not worry (ha) and come back in a week to check on things. This baby would make it, they so often did. I just had the dates wrong, my hcg was still high from the last pregnancy, this baby would live.
I started spotting that night.
I spotted the rest of the week. I was so sick to my stomach it was hard to eat. I moped, I fretted and I cried. I told a few close friends who also offered optimistic support. The week dragged and on August 30, it was finally time for a 10 week check.
The ultrasound was first this time and the sac was basically empty and not a trace of a heartbeat. Just a big black hole under a stretched out stomach. The tech was silent as I cried silent tears by myself in a cold, dark room. Why did I go by myself? My friend Amber had offered, I just didn't know how badly I would want a hand to hold. Dr. Nett came in and held me. This woman who had known me for 10 minutes was crying with me and telling me if she was queen of the world, this would never happen. She took me back into the exam room and gave me my options. A D&C, Cytotec or wait it out. I did not want to wait it out, it seemed agonizing. A D&C always carries the risk of scar tissue so I chose Cytotec which would help my cervix soften. Maybe she talked to me in detail about it and I was in such a fog, I couldn't think but I really wish I knew what I was getting myself into.
I was crying so hard, they showed me the stairs so I wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room. I'm sure I called Keith, but I don't even remember. I went to pick up Kenzie and Amber was there again as a wonderful support. When Keith got home that night at dinnertime, I inserted the first pill. I was mildly cramping within a half hour so I continued to use them as prescribed. That was a big mistake as I had no idea what I was in for. We settled in for the night on the couch watching a show because I couldn't sleep through the cramping. Keith stayed up with me until about midnight or one when I started passing clots. He gave me a blessing and went to bed. The pain really kicked in about 2 AM. I called the doctors office and told the doc on call how much pain I was in and asked if that was normal and could I take any painkillers? She was so cold and callus. She said, "Well you're having a miscarriage, what did you expect? Take a little ibuprofen, you'll get through it." After I got off the phone with her, I broke down. I felt so belittled and alone.
My praying became more fervent as the pain intensified and I continued passing clots for two more hours. I had never felt so alone in my life. And yet, I knew the Savior was with me, helping me bear this burden. Around 4:30 AM, I was seriously thinking something was wrong and was debating waking Keith to take me to the hospital when I had the urge to push. I went to the bathroom and pushed for about 10 minutes until the bulk of baby and tissue passed. I was too horrified to even look. The relief for my body was immediate. I went to bed and finally found rest. A few hours later, my friend knocked on the door and took Kenzie for a few hours. I was so grateful, I needed to rest so badly. I was physically weak for a couple of days and really emotionally drained.
The most beneficial thing for me was to talk to my sisters. Nycole is always so compassionate and Rachel had been through a miscarriage herself that was further along but our emotions were very similar. I also had really sweet friends drop off little notes and gifts and word spread well enough that I only had a couple awkward situations a few weeks down the road in which I had to explain why my stomach was shrinking, not growing. It was an emotional roller coaster for a few months. I didn't feel like myself and it was strenuous on my marriage. Luckily we were on the brink of fall, my favorite season. It helped to throw myself into all of the festivities and to focus on the beautiful child I did have.
I'm grateful now for this experience. I still cannot recall it without pain but it has given me greater compassion for others and helped me cherish all that I have. It also opened my eyes to all of the goodness around me and the kind friends and family that I have been blessed with.
Unshared Birth Story #2
Baby #2
After Mackenzie turned a year, we mustered up the courage to start trying for another baby. We knew we wanted 3+ kids and we preferred them closer together. We thought I would get pregnant immediately because of our experience with baby #1 but I remember my mom saying how you never knew how long it could take to get pregnant and not to expect things to go exactly as planned. We had friends and family struggling with infertility and I told myself I wouldn't worry until after a year. I had always been anxious about my fertility for whatever reason so I just braced myself for our next child taking a little longer than anticipated. Anyways, I started keeping track of everything but didn't bother Keith with any of it. I wanted to enjoy life and not get too caught up in the pressures of baby #2.
That mindset worked well and I was disappointed with negative signs every month, but felt the Lord would give us a baby in His own time. I started dreaming of adoption and dug around for adoption information from several people in our ward who had been through the process. In May, I realized that I was late. I didn't say anything to Keith, I wanted to surprise him in a fun way. About a week later, I couldn't sleep due to some intense back pain. I was a bit worried but able to sleep and forgot about it the next morning until I went to the bathroom. I sent Keith off to work and when I used the bathroom, I passed a clot the size of a baseball. I was so sad and didn't really know how to handle it. I texted Keith who said he was sorry. Besides him, no one else knew. My friend Amber happened to call that morning. We had made plans to go swimming and I told her I couldn't go due to heavy bleeding, then broke down into tears. I told her I had miscarried and she came over, cleaned my house and brought me lunch. I will never forget her kindness and sympathy. It meant the world to me. I told myself I had a day to mourn and I did. I let myself be sad all day and then rejoiced that I had gotten pregnant. I felt that there was hope for the future and that my system could reset itself a bit.
After Mackenzie turned a year, we mustered up the courage to start trying for another baby. We knew we wanted 3+ kids and we preferred them closer together. We thought I would get pregnant immediately because of our experience with baby #1 but I remember my mom saying how you never knew how long it could take to get pregnant and not to expect things to go exactly as planned. We had friends and family struggling with infertility and I told myself I wouldn't worry until after a year. I had always been anxious about my fertility for whatever reason so I just braced myself for our next child taking a little longer than anticipated. Anyways, I started keeping track of everything but didn't bother Keith with any of it. I wanted to enjoy life and not get too caught up in the pressures of baby #2.
That mindset worked well and I was disappointed with negative signs every month, but felt the Lord would give us a baby in His own time. I started dreaming of adoption and dug around for adoption information from several people in our ward who had been through the process. In May, I realized that I was late. I didn't say anything to Keith, I wanted to surprise him in a fun way. About a week later, I couldn't sleep due to some intense back pain. I was a bit worried but able to sleep and forgot about it the next morning until I went to the bathroom. I sent Keith off to work and when I used the bathroom, I passed a clot the size of a baseball. I was so sad and didn't really know how to handle it. I texted Keith who said he was sorry. Besides him, no one else knew. My friend Amber happened to call that morning. We had made plans to go swimming and I told her I couldn't go due to heavy bleeding, then broke down into tears. I told her I had miscarried and she came over, cleaned my house and brought me lunch. I will never forget her kindness and sympathy. It meant the world to me. I told myself I had a day to mourn and I did. I let myself be sad all day and then rejoiced that I had gotten pregnant. I felt that there was hope for the future and that my system could reset itself a bit.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Unshared Birth Stories- #1
So I started these posts back in May. Some have been painful to write and so it has taken me a long time. These stories are really for my own record, but I thought they might be of interest to others. My feelings are raw and honest and I'm sorry in advance for any offense by those who read them.
My journey to motherhood was somewhat sudden and unexpected. I became pregnant at the ripe age of 21, before any of my close friends and I had no idea at all what I was getting into. These were the days before Pinterest and all of the mommy articles that have come to flood Facebook feeds and blogs. I did manage to start my blog before pregnancy but I failed to document much of it. I think the reason I shied away from sharing was the fact that I was scared out of my mind. I had so many negative thoughts and feelings of guilt that I didn't feel it appropriate to share. But lately, I have come to realize that these stories etched in my soul might be better when written. If nothing else, my children will know that though the journey may be difficult, it yields so much joy. There are 6 stories here, some are sweet and simple, some are heartbreaking and more complicated. So here goes nothing, story #1
Mackenzie.
The first inkling I had that a new life was forming itself inside of me was on a cold winter day. Keith and I had married December 15 and we were living in a tiny studio apartment in Rexburg, ID. We were both full time students and I had a job in the archives department in the library where I edited and transcribed devotionals. I had a second job as a TA for my previous microbiology professor. Keith was also working as a TA. We didn't see much of each other and when we did, we were tired and cranky.
Our marriage had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start. I had started birth control back in October and felt like a crazy person on it. I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my old roommate Amber sometime near the end of January. She encouraged me to get off of the pills and see if it made any difference. Thankfully, I took her advice that very day and immediately felt more like myself. Our marriage eased into newlywed bliss for a couple of weeks and then...one day at the end of February, I got home before Keith.
It was getting late and I needed to prepare something for dinner. I used the restroom first and my heart about stopped when I saw the dark brown on my underwear. In that moment a word popped into my head that I hadn't before been aware of- "spotting." Hadn't the doctor warned that I might have spotting on birth control? My palms broke out in a sweat and I couldn't get to my Johns Hopkins medical dictionary fast enough. I quickly found "spotting" in the dictionary only to find that it was usually associated with pregnancy. I was immediately in panic mode and called up Keith. I don't remember the exact conversation but it went along the lines of, "Hey Keith I'm spotting and I think there's a chance I might be pregnant." He was pretty calm and cool about the whole thing. We told ourselves there wasn't a chance I could be pregnant and it must be a side effect of getting off of the pill.
I let myself think this way for days until I woke in the middle of the night with overwhelming nausea. I found myself parked in the bathroom, moaning in pain but unable to find relief. I could not vomit. I had no other symptoms but this lingering, awful nausea that seized my body and rarely gave me a moment of peace. After a couple nights of this, I begged the Lord to take it away. I prayed that if I was pregnant, I would have the strength to make it through the pregnancy. The next day, I woke up feeling fine and I told myself all was well, false alarm.
I have always had really regular cycles and when I was about a week late, Keith and I were on our way home late from a friends one night and we decided to run into the Albertsons to buy a pregnancy test so we could finally get an answer. I opened it up, read the directions, and decided to wait until morning. I didn't sleep well that night and got up around 4 or 5 AM to use the bathroom. I was so nervous as I watched that little pink line immediately pop up to announce what my heart already knew. What now? I wish I could say I was elated. Instead, I was racked with guilt for not being excited. I was overcome with fear and the feeling that my life was spinning out of control. A few minutes later, I poked Keith awake and told him the news. I got an "Oh, cool" or something along those lines and then he rolled over and fell asleep. I couldn't believe it. I had just found out that our lives were forever changed and that was all he could muster up.
In his defense, it was early. I didn't see it that way and our marriage continued to be tumultuous and frustrating. I had too many new emotions and I was really good at bottling those up and exploding. Keith didn't know how to talk to me. I was always on the defense. The nausea came back good and strong around week 7 and saltines became my best friend. We went to the doctor at week 8. It felt early and I had continued to spot a bit. I'm ashamed to admit it, but there was a part of me that hoped I was losing the baby. I didn't feel ready for this motherhood thing.
Dr. Lovell greeted us with an "I didn't think I'd see you back here so soon." I had gone to him for a pre-marriage exam just a few months prior and we told him we were surprised to see him too. I'm happy to say that my feelings changed dramatically the moment that ultrasound revealed a little bean kicking and moving inside of me. There was life inside of me. It was absolutely mind blowing and my heart grew a few sizes. I was happy for this baby. I wanted this baby. I still felt unprepared, inadequate, emotional and scared but I also felt something that trumped those- Love.
The pregnancy continued to be difficult. Despite what everyone told me, the "morning" sickness did not ease up after the first trimester and it lingered with me all day long. Despite the fact that I was hardly eating, I was packing on the weight at an alarming rate. My chest grew two sizes in a matter of a few weeks and my body that had never known more than 125ish pounds was already in the 150's by 20 weeks. My body was changing so quickly, I was gaining bright purple scars to prove it and buying a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I was having a hard time accepting my changing body and shied away from pictures- something I regret very much.
At 17 weeks, we got a sneak peek ultrasound at the doctors and they told us to think pink. I was ecstatic. I always thought I wanted a little boy first but when I found out I was pregnant, I had a change of heart. My spirit already knew that a little girl would come first and my heart had been prepared to accept her. That summer, Keith decided to sell pest control in St. George to help support us for the coming year. I had to stay behind for school and an internship. The break turned out to be good for us and the absence really did make our hearts grow fonder. When Keith returned from St. George, we moved into a two bedroom apartment and started to prepare for a baby.
My friends threw a little shower for me and we bought a few essentials at the only two stores I had to shop at, K-mart and Wal-mart. Thankfully, my sister was living by us and she let me borrow her swing, stroller and bouncy seat. Our parents bought us a pack n' play as the second room wasn't big enough for a real crib. A woman in our ward gave us her old baby seat and tub so we only needed to provide a few clothes and blankets. Our furniture consisted only of old hand me downs. As far as material possessions went, we didn't have much but we felt we had it all and were so grateful for the generosity of family and friends.
My due date altered a bit. We had to rely on ultrasounds and the first one that's considered most reliable said October 30-31. When I went in around 37-38 weeks and the doctor checked me, Mackenzie was so high he couldn't feel her head to tell if she was head down. When I was 40 weeks, he still couldn't tell. She seemed to be stuck. My mom had hard labors with all 6 of her babies and my sister had c-sections so I was prepared to run into some issues. Dr. Lovell told me he thought Mackenzie was stuck by a bony protuberance and my chances of a c-section were very high. We knew we had to induce because she wasn't dropping, I had gained 5 lbs of fluid the last week and my blood pressure was getting scary. We set the date and I started praying for a good birth and healthy baby.
We went in on Sunday November 2, 2008 to start the induction. I had no idea what to expect and was so nervous I had gotten very little rest or food the past 24 hours. They started me out with a foley catheter and cervidil gel which would help my cervix dilate. They also hooked me up to the drug I feared- pitocin. For whatever reason, they started me at night. I started cramping almost immediately and it only intensified through the night. The nurse offered me a sleeping pill which I took but it seemed to have no affect as I ended up awake the whole night with cramping and really bad back pain which no amount of massage seemed to relieve. At 5 AM, they took the catheter out and a lot of the pain was relieved. Around 8 AM, the doctor came in to check me. After being up all night, it was really disheartening to hear I was only dilated to a 4. I had wanted to try for a natural birth but nothing was going like I thought it would and I was so grateful to accept an epidural.
The epidural helped me relax and I finally fell asleep. Things were moving slowly so Keith and I decided he might as well go to his classes. It seems funny now but school was really important and I didn't see the point in him hanging around while I slept. I gave him a call around 2 PM when the nurses came to check me and I was finally at a 6. My mom told me her labors always went slow until she got to a 6, then she delivered within a couple of hours. Campus was a couple of miles away and when he got to me, I was at a 7 and getting excited. That's when everything slowed again. At 5 I was at an 8 and it was 8 PM before the nurse finally felt I could try pushing. Between 5 and 8, we knew the baby was posterior so I was up and moving, contorting my body to try to get her to move. The beauty of my hospital was that they had anesthesiologists who could give walking epidurals. When I mentioned this in my subsequent births back East, they stared at me like I was talking crazy and calmly told me such a thing didn't exist. I lived to tell that they do indeed. The whole time I had my epidural, I felt my legs and could move around with ease, all while feeling some pressure from contractions, but nothing painful.
The problem with all of my moving around was that at some point, the epidural catheter came out, leaking all that was good and wonderful down my back. I started to feel pain around 7 PM. It started as a deep pain in one side, then grew to encompass my stomach and back. The anesthesiologist was called in and because my medicine was low, he figured it was wearing off and hooked up a bolus for me to push so I could have the relief I needed. That didn't work but we all figured I was close enough to delivery, I would be ok.
It felt so good to finally push, the pain was driving my will to want that baby out of me. After 45 minutes of pushing, the nurse checked my cervix because she wasn't seeing any results. Turns out my cervix wasn't effaced enough when I started pushing and now I needed to stop pushing and wait for the swelling to go down. Those 30 minutes of waiting were agonizing. I was at a 10, I had pitocin induced contractions which were really intense and on top of each other, it was back labor, and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for 24+ hours. It was the perfect storm to bring out the worst in me. I was crying, screaming, begging anyone and everyone to kill me. The doctor came in and he told me they needed to get the baby out. We all wanted a healthy baby and I was a hot mess with a baby that truly seemed stuck in the birth canal. They wanted to do a C-section and he told me how that was all going to go down. I cried through the whole thing and then begged to try to push again. He told me he would let me push but if there was any more distress, they'd go in for a C-section.
Dr. Meredith was the perfect coach for me. He was so encouraging and allowed my baby to come after another hour and fifteen minutes of pushing. When he finally saw her head, he asked if I wanted to touch it. I was too tired to care. When she finally came, they put her on my belly and I asked them to take her off before I was sick. The birth had been so traumatic for both me and Mackenzie. I was exhausted and sick and she had a perfect little face but a head so badly bruised the nurses all thought she had been vacuumed out of me. I begged for food and then I made the slow walk to to the shower to get cleaned up. I had to sit in the shower while the nurse washed me and all I could think was how surreal it all felt. I was a mom but I felt so detached from her. I have a picture holding her in my wheelchair while I was wheeled to recovery around midnight. My face is puffy and bloated and I could barely open my eyes due to the swelling.
Everything is a blur until the next morning when my mom and sister came to visit and I had plenty of drugs in my system but was alert enough to show off my beautiful new baby girl. I was a mom and I was so proud of that. It wasn't necessarily love at first sight for us, and breastfeeding proved to be another traumatic experience that delayed the attachment for my firstborn, but I felt myself falling in love with this perfect creature that God had blessed us with.
My journey to motherhood was somewhat sudden and unexpected. I became pregnant at the ripe age of 21, before any of my close friends and I had no idea at all what I was getting into. These were the days before Pinterest and all of the mommy articles that have come to flood Facebook feeds and blogs. I did manage to start my blog before pregnancy but I failed to document much of it. I think the reason I shied away from sharing was the fact that I was scared out of my mind. I had so many negative thoughts and feelings of guilt that I didn't feel it appropriate to share. But lately, I have come to realize that these stories etched in my soul might be better when written. If nothing else, my children will know that though the journey may be difficult, it yields so much joy. There are 6 stories here, some are sweet and simple, some are heartbreaking and more complicated. So here goes nothing, story #1
Mackenzie.
The first inkling I had that a new life was forming itself inside of me was on a cold winter day. Keith and I had married December 15 and we were living in a tiny studio apartment in Rexburg, ID. We were both full time students and I had a job in the archives department in the library where I edited and transcribed devotionals. I had a second job as a TA for my previous microbiology professor. Keith was also working as a TA. We didn't see much of each other and when we did, we were tired and cranky.
Our marriage had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start. I had started birth control back in October and felt like a crazy person on it. I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my old roommate Amber sometime near the end of January. She encouraged me to get off of the pills and see if it made any difference. Thankfully, I took her advice that very day and immediately felt more like myself. Our marriage eased into newlywed bliss for a couple of weeks and then...one day at the end of February, I got home before Keith.
It was getting late and I needed to prepare something for dinner. I used the restroom first and my heart about stopped when I saw the dark brown on my underwear. In that moment a word popped into my head that I hadn't before been aware of- "spotting." Hadn't the doctor warned that I might have spotting on birth control? My palms broke out in a sweat and I couldn't get to my Johns Hopkins medical dictionary fast enough. I quickly found "spotting" in the dictionary only to find that it was usually associated with pregnancy. I was immediately in panic mode and called up Keith. I don't remember the exact conversation but it went along the lines of, "Hey Keith I'm spotting and I think there's a chance I might be pregnant." He was pretty calm and cool about the whole thing. We told ourselves there wasn't a chance I could be pregnant and it must be a side effect of getting off of the pill.
I let myself think this way for days until I woke in the middle of the night with overwhelming nausea. I found myself parked in the bathroom, moaning in pain but unable to find relief. I could not vomit. I had no other symptoms but this lingering, awful nausea that seized my body and rarely gave me a moment of peace. After a couple nights of this, I begged the Lord to take it away. I prayed that if I was pregnant, I would have the strength to make it through the pregnancy. The next day, I woke up feeling fine and I told myself all was well, false alarm.
I have always had really regular cycles and when I was about a week late, Keith and I were on our way home late from a friends one night and we decided to run into the Albertsons to buy a pregnancy test so we could finally get an answer. I opened it up, read the directions, and decided to wait until morning. I didn't sleep well that night and got up around 4 or 5 AM to use the bathroom. I was so nervous as I watched that little pink line immediately pop up to announce what my heart already knew. What now? I wish I could say I was elated. Instead, I was racked with guilt for not being excited. I was overcome with fear and the feeling that my life was spinning out of control. A few minutes later, I poked Keith awake and told him the news. I got an "Oh, cool" or something along those lines and then he rolled over and fell asleep. I couldn't believe it. I had just found out that our lives were forever changed and that was all he could muster up.
In his defense, it was early. I didn't see it that way and our marriage continued to be tumultuous and frustrating. I had too many new emotions and I was really good at bottling those up and exploding. Keith didn't know how to talk to me. I was always on the defense. The nausea came back good and strong around week 7 and saltines became my best friend. We went to the doctor at week 8. It felt early and I had continued to spot a bit. I'm ashamed to admit it, but there was a part of me that hoped I was losing the baby. I didn't feel ready for this motherhood thing.
Dr. Lovell greeted us with an "I didn't think I'd see you back here so soon." I had gone to him for a pre-marriage exam just a few months prior and we told him we were surprised to see him too. I'm happy to say that my feelings changed dramatically the moment that ultrasound revealed a little bean kicking and moving inside of me. There was life inside of me. It was absolutely mind blowing and my heart grew a few sizes. I was happy for this baby. I wanted this baby. I still felt unprepared, inadequate, emotional and scared but I also felt something that trumped those- Love.
The pregnancy continued to be difficult. Despite what everyone told me, the "morning" sickness did not ease up after the first trimester and it lingered with me all day long. Despite the fact that I was hardly eating, I was packing on the weight at an alarming rate. My chest grew two sizes in a matter of a few weeks and my body that had never known more than 125ish pounds was already in the 150's by 20 weeks. My body was changing so quickly, I was gaining bright purple scars to prove it and buying a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I was having a hard time accepting my changing body and shied away from pictures- something I regret very much.
At 17 weeks, we got a sneak peek ultrasound at the doctors and they told us to think pink. I was ecstatic. I always thought I wanted a little boy first but when I found out I was pregnant, I had a change of heart. My spirit already knew that a little girl would come first and my heart had been prepared to accept her. That summer, Keith decided to sell pest control in St. George to help support us for the coming year. I had to stay behind for school and an internship. The break turned out to be good for us and the absence really did make our hearts grow fonder. When Keith returned from St. George, we moved into a two bedroom apartment and started to prepare for a baby.
My friends threw a little shower for me and we bought a few essentials at the only two stores I had to shop at, K-mart and Wal-mart. Thankfully, my sister was living by us and she let me borrow her swing, stroller and bouncy seat. Our parents bought us a pack n' play as the second room wasn't big enough for a real crib. A woman in our ward gave us her old baby seat and tub so we only needed to provide a few clothes and blankets. Our furniture consisted only of old hand me downs. As far as material possessions went, we didn't have much but we felt we had it all and were so grateful for the generosity of family and friends.
My due date altered a bit. We had to rely on ultrasounds and the first one that's considered most reliable said October 30-31. When I went in around 37-38 weeks and the doctor checked me, Mackenzie was so high he couldn't feel her head to tell if she was head down. When I was 40 weeks, he still couldn't tell. She seemed to be stuck. My mom had hard labors with all 6 of her babies and my sister had c-sections so I was prepared to run into some issues. Dr. Lovell told me he thought Mackenzie was stuck by a bony protuberance and my chances of a c-section were very high. We knew we had to induce because she wasn't dropping, I had gained 5 lbs of fluid the last week and my blood pressure was getting scary. We set the date and I started praying for a good birth and healthy baby.
We went in on Sunday November 2, 2008 to start the induction. I had no idea what to expect and was so nervous I had gotten very little rest or food the past 24 hours. They started me out with a foley catheter and cervidil gel which would help my cervix dilate. They also hooked me up to the drug I feared- pitocin. For whatever reason, they started me at night. I started cramping almost immediately and it only intensified through the night. The nurse offered me a sleeping pill which I took but it seemed to have no affect as I ended up awake the whole night with cramping and really bad back pain which no amount of massage seemed to relieve. At 5 AM, they took the catheter out and a lot of the pain was relieved. Around 8 AM, the doctor came in to check me. After being up all night, it was really disheartening to hear I was only dilated to a 4. I had wanted to try for a natural birth but nothing was going like I thought it would and I was so grateful to accept an epidural.
The epidural helped me relax and I finally fell asleep. Things were moving slowly so Keith and I decided he might as well go to his classes. It seems funny now but school was really important and I didn't see the point in him hanging around while I slept. I gave him a call around 2 PM when the nurses came to check me and I was finally at a 6. My mom told me her labors always went slow until she got to a 6, then she delivered within a couple of hours. Campus was a couple of miles away and when he got to me, I was at a 7 and getting excited. That's when everything slowed again. At 5 I was at an 8 and it was 8 PM before the nurse finally felt I could try pushing. Between 5 and 8, we knew the baby was posterior so I was up and moving, contorting my body to try to get her to move. The beauty of my hospital was that they had anesthesiologists who could give walking epidurals. When I mentioned this in my subsequent births back East, they stared at me like I was talking crazy and calmly told me such a thing didn't exist. I lived to tell that they do indeed. The whole time I had my epidural, I felt my legs and could move around with ease, all while feeling some pressure from contractions, but nothing painful.
The problem with all of my moving around was that at some point, the epidural catheter came out, leaking all that was good and wonderful down my back. I started to feel pain around 7 PM. It started as a deep pain in one side, then grew to encompass my stomach and back. The anesthesiologist was called in and because my medicine was low, he figured it was wearing off and hooked up a bolus for me to push so I could have the relief I needed. That didn't work but we all figured I was close enough to delivery, I would be ok.
It felt so good to finally push, the pain was driving my will to want that baby out of me. After 45 minutes of pushing, the nurse checked my cervix because she wasn't seeing any results. Turns out my cervix wasn't effaced enough when I started pushing and now I needed to stop pushing and wait for the swelling to go down. Those 30 minutes of waiting were agonizing. I was at a 10, I had pitocin induced contractions which were really intense and on top of each other, it was back labor, and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for 24+ hours. It was the perfect storm to bring out the worst in me. I was crying, screaming, begging anyone and everyone to kill me. The doctor came in and he told me they needed to get the baby out. We all wanted a healthy baby and I was a hot mess with a baby that truly seemed stuck in the birth canal. They wanted to do a C-section and he told me how that was all going to go down. I cried through the whole thing and then begged to try to push again. He told me he would let me push but if there was any more distress, they'd go in for a C-section.
Dr. Meredith was the perfect coach for me. He was so encouraging and allowed my baby to come after another hour and fifteen minutes of pushing. When he finally saw her head, he asked if I wanted to touch it. I was too tired to care. When she finally came, they put her on my belly and I asked them to take her off before I was sick. The birth had been so traumatic for both me and Mackenzie. I was exhausted and sick and she had a perfect little face but a head so badly bruised the nurses all thought she had been vacuumed out of me. I begged for food and then I made the slow walk to to the shower to get cleaned up. I had to sit in the shower while the nurse washed me and all I could think was how surreal it all felt. I was a mom but I felt so detached from her. I have a picture holding her in my wheelchair while I was wheeled to recovery around midnight. My face is puffy and bloated and I could barely open my eyes due to the swelling.
Everything is a blur until the next morning when my mom and sister came to visit and I had plenty of drugs in my system but was alert enough to show off my beautiful new baby girl. I was a mom and I was so proud of that. It wasn't necessarily love at first sight for us, and breastfeeding proved to be another traumatic experience that delayed the attachment for my firstborn, but I felt myself falling in love with this perfect creature that God had blessed us with.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Oregon/Denver
Well, with Keith working as an independent contractor, our salary is a different story every month. We had the blessing of finding additional work at another practice from October to December which helped us to get settled and start paying our student loans when they hit. When that job dropped off, so did the salary and when February came around, we knew we needed to try to find a job in a more lucrative area in order to achieve our financial goals.
I started stalking the LDS dental academy classifieds and found a job that looked really promising in Astoria, OR. We looked on the map and I saw it was only 15 miles North of Seaside, OR where I had gone on vacation with my family. I loved the area and especially loved the idea of living in the Pacific Northwest again. Keith called up the dentist and found that the job seemed even better than anticipated. We talked to the associates he had working for him and they honestly had nothing but good things to say about the job. The only reason there was a job opening was because one associate had fulfilled his contract and he loved Astoria so much, he wants to stay there permanently, but has hopes of building his own practice.
At the same time, our friend Marc Issaic called Keith up. He asked how we were doing and if Keith would be interested in a practice located in Denver. The job seemed a little too good to be true and we weren't really sure that it would suit Keith. I felt prompted to pursue the lead though and Keith somewhat begrudgingly called other Dentists working for the company as well as the owners. We had mixed feelings but still felt that we needed to see the practice and get a feel for how it was run.
Both companies wanted Keith out ASAP so they could make hiring decisions and Keith really wanted me to go with him so I could get a feel for the jobs and the areas. I got to work booking us flights, hotels and rental cars and finding a babysitter for our kids. Joan came to our rescue and agreed to fly out and spend 5 days by herself with the kids and an extra week hanging out in Atlanta.
Joan flew in the night of March 6th and I gave her a quick rundown of the house and the kids. We tried to go to bed early because our flight left at 6 AM which meant we would have to be up at 3 AM to make the hour drive to the airport and catch our shuttle.
Our first stop was Denver. We arrived around 7:30 and made it to the practice just in time for the morning huddle. We spent the day asking questions and driving around Denver. We stayed in a great hotel and enjoyed having a full night of sleep for the first time in months. The next morning on the way to the airport, we stopped in Stapleton. It's a charming community and I could see our family living in Denver.
We flew to Portland, OR that afternoon and went straight to my Aunt Gail's house. My Grandma Anderson and Aunt Peggy were staying there also and Gail bought pizza and invited her sons and my cousin Justin over. It was so much fun to catch up and be around family again. The next morning, we drove out to Astoria so we could attend church and check out the ward. The whole way there, we didn't stop talking about how unbelievably gorgeous it is. I've always had a desire to get back to the Pacific Northwest and this trip was tugging my heartstrings. The ward was even better than expected. The youth speakers were incredible and the ward felt so much like home, really down to earth and everyone was dressed nice but not flashy. Half the women wore glasses and minimal makeup. It felt like my kind of people. We had many reach out to us and when they introduced me in Relief Society, a woman raised her hand and asked what she needed to pray for to get us in the ward.
After church, we went to Aaron Smith's house. He's one of the doctor's currently working for Dr. Tyack and we were happy to pick his brain and be in a house full of children. We really liked Aaron and his wife and could see ourselves living there and being friends with them. After our time with the Smith's, we drove to our hotel in Seaside. We took a walk on the beach and talked about how much the kids would love living there. We had delicious seafood for dinner and ice cream for dessert. The next morning, we got up early so we could drive to Cannon Beach and go to Ecola State Park. Driving into Ecola, I felt like we were driving onto the set of Jurassic Park. It was seriously unbelievable and we stayed for a couple of hours despite the rain. After the park, we finally made our way to Dr. Tyack's practice in Astoria.
We wanted to hate it. We wanted to hate him. We wanted an easy decision and it was quickly apparent that was not going to be the case. We took a tour, asked all our questions, and talked about the job over lunch. When lunch was over, Dr. Tyack asked Keith to get back to him soon. He was done interviewing and needed to know if we were going to take the job. As we drove over to Dr. Tyack's other practice in Clatskanie, we couldn't decide if Keith had the job or not. It sounded like an offer, but we weren't sure. I also couldn't figure out why I couldn't get myself to want to move to Astoria. Everything about it felt like home and held such security for us. That night we stayed in Portland and the next morning at the airport, we were making a pros/cons list when Dr. Tyack texted to confirm the job offer and also offered to help cover moving expenses.
We went home with a really tough decision. We took our question to the temple and came out both feeling like we couldn't make a bad choice. We were both leaning towards Denver though and decided to move forward with that job. As much as I hated turning down such an amazing job in Astoria, I felt (and have continued to feel) that Denver was the right decision for our family.
 |
| The Goonies House |
 |
| On the Astoria-Megler Bridge |
 |
| Ecola State Park |
 |
| Me with my brothers in June, 2005 |
Monday, May 12, 2014
Three
Three kids means three times the noise, activity, diapers, crying, sleepless nights, chaos, and crazy.
Three kids also means three times the love, gratitude, playfulness, curiosity, adventure and satisfaction of a life well spent being their mom.
February- The month of Snow
This winter will go down in history as one of the coldest in most of the
Eastern states. It was pretty interesting to spend it in Atlanta where
everything shuts down if there's a hint of snow in the air. We felt pretty lucky to see some real snow and have a chance to play in it for a few days.
We have cute sister missionaries in our complex that were out helping the kids in the snow.
Clara doesn't love the snow but she loves her daddy and tolerated it to help him out
It was fun to have Keith home for a few days. We had a pretty bad ice storm which jammed up the city and people were stuck in traffic for several hours. Keith was able to get off of work at a decent time when the ice hit and made it to us safely.
I finally cut Clara's hair. It was so ratty and uneven, I don't know why I didn't do it sooner.
The only thing I love more than watching Keith play guitar is watching him play with our girls.
I have so many cute videos of this little dude crawling. He's growing up too fast and trying to catch up with his sisters.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
January: A pic a day fail and a collection of short stories
Once upon a time on Pinterest I saw a great idea to take a picture a day for a year. I wanted to do it and heaven knows I tried. And then life kicked in and I ended up feeling like a failure on the days where I got too busy to pull out the camera. I released myself from the assignment but I did end up with some cute pictures of our life indoors.
Clara is a morning person, Kenzie...not so much
Laundry. Because this is real life and this is what it looks like all day before I kick my butt in gear and manage to fold/hang it. Sorry for the wrinkly clothes Keith, my mom taught me better.
9 months, he started pulling himself up.
Apartments have great windows (not) and they don't stand a chance when temps fall to the teens.
We finally got around to making gingerbread houses. Because I waited until January, I got a huge tub of pre-made gingerbread dough for $.90 at Target. It was delicious, easy and my kids didn't feel cheated. Special shout out to all those kids Kenzie goes to preschool with that told her about gingerbread houses. You all make my life harder.
This hug ended in tears seconds later
Her smile is seriously the best.
Cool story here, sometime in December I turned on my kindle (with special offers) and saw an ad for the new Honda Odyssey. Because we own a Honda Odyssey, I wanted to check out the new features. Somewhere on that page I entered a contest for an amazon gift card because they already had my info and it took two seconds. Fast forward several weeks later and I get a spammy sounding call from a woman in Seattle who works for Amazon and tells me I won the contest. Because I have mom brain, I tell her I don't believe her and she sends me all the info with a link to the site. Turns out, contest was legit and the memory of entering thankfully came back to me. I was stoked and we're currently debating over what to do with the money.
One Satuday, I was bored. Keith was playing a computer game, the kids were fighting and my chores were done (or being put off...who really cares anymore). Kenzie had been pretty set on earrings for her 5th bday and then chickened out. Earlier in the week, I kept thinking how cute Clara would be with earrings and decided to throw the idea out to Mackenzie. She surprised me by saying she wanted to get her ears pierced and told me she wouldn't be scared. Keith, being the good husband he is, went along with us and even took pictures.
Kenz was a pro. No tears were shed and she's been pretty happy with her choice.
Clara on the other hand felt betrayed and annoyed. The sucker distracted her but only for a moment...
She has since forgiven us and loves when people notice her earrings.
Emmett is just getting so big and fun. He giggles, cries, squeals, screams, wakes up at night and loves his mom and dad equally. He adds a lot to our family and we're so happy to have him. Also, he doesn't believe in wearing pants.
Clara doesn't believe in clothing at all. For those judging the diaper, judge away, I'll let you come clean the pee off the floor every time we try to introduce underwear. Whoever heard of a kid that will poo on the potty but not consistently pee?
Christmas
We had a great Christmas. The Sunday before, I stayed home with Clara because she wasn't feeling well. It ended up being a smart decision on my part because I started coming down with the flu and developed what ended up being the worst sinus infection I have had. Anyways, the Faircloughs, one of the sweetest couples in our ward stopped by that night with a red tin full of goodies, presents, and a turkey. I had given a talk in church a couple of weeks earlier and they said they couldn't stop thinking about us. I have never been so touched by the Christmas spirit and will not forget their thoughtfulness. The kids were so excited and couldn't wait to see what they got.
On Christmas Eve, we had Niel and Dani Hayes and Eric, Suzanne and Grace Fairbanks over to share dinner with us. Everyone contributed food and it was a great meal. After the house cleared, we started to set up the magic.
On our drive to Kenzie's school, we always see horses and every day Clara asks to ride them. Keith had the great idea to get her a spring horse like he had growing up. Emmett thought he would help dad put it together.
We were so blessed to provide clothes, blankets and a couple of toys for each child.
We took more video than pictures. There's nothing like watching your child wake up on Christmas morning to see that Santa found their house and left them gifts. We also enjoyed skyping with both families which included my brother Caleb who is currently serving a mission in Fiji. It's hard being thousands of miles from home, but technology definitely makes it easier.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)