Unshared Birth Story #3

This is the hardest one to write.

Right after I miscarried, we went to Utah/Idaho to visit family for a few weeks. I had been working out really regularly and continued to go on runs while I was there. I remember one day in particular that I was so tired on my run, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I recalled my sister-in-law telling me she always knew she was pregnant because she would be so tired. The thought crossed my mind but I pushed it away and went on to enjoy the vacation with extra naps filling my time.

When we came home, I realized my period was about a week late. I wasn't sure what was going on with my body and decided to go ahead and take a pregnancy test. I was so nonchalant about it and was shocked to see the pregnant line turn pink before the control line even showed up. I was 5 weeks and feeling surprisingly good. The previous two pregnancies I had felt definite morning sickness but this time, I just felt giddy. The morning I found out, I went to visit some good friends. While I was visiting with Suzy she asked straight out if I was pregnant. I'm  a terrible liar and she knew by my face the answer was yes. After that visit, we went to Michigan with friends and when I came back all of 6 weeks pregnant I had about 3 other friends ask me if I was pregnant. Apparently my glow was showing and word quickly spread. I was so excited about the news, I was happy to have others to share it with. I also knew I wanted support in the future if I did happen to lose the baby. The sickness kicked in right around that time but I wasn't as bothered by it and had no thoughts that I might miscarry again.

The earliest the OB could get me in for a first checkup was 9 weeks. I hadn't yet been to an OB in Louisville but was excited to meet Dr. Nett whom everyone loved. I walked into that appointment so excited to see my baby for the first time. I was alone because Keith had a busy school schedule and definitely couldn't take off a morning for something routine and I had left Kenzie with my friend Amber. I saw Dr. Nett first. I was measured and weighed and given an exam. All checked out well and she confirmed my uterus was measuring 9 weeks. I confidently went into the ultrasound room. My first ultrasound with Kenzie was at 8 weeks so I had an idea of what everything should look like. As soon as the wand hit my stomach and the picture showed up, I knew something was wrong. The tech asked the date of my last period and I told her. She told me the baby was measuring closer to 6 weeks and the yolk sac was still visible. She also tried to reassure me that I could have the date wrong, it happened all of the time. I told her I was confident in the date and had taken a very positive pregnancy test around the date she thought the baby was conceived. She continued to take several pictures and didn't talk the rest of the time, her face showing concern. There was a little movement from the baby but not a steady heartbeat. I knew that moment the baby wasn't going to make it. Dr. Nett came in with so much love and optimistic support. She told me to go home, try not to move around much and to not worry (ha) and come back in a week to check on things. This baby would make it, they so often did. I just had the dates wrong, my hcg was still high from the last pregnancy, this baby would live.

I started spotting that night.

I spotted the rest of the week. I was so sick to my stomach it was hard to eat. I moped, I fretted and I cried. I told a few close friends who also offered optimistic support. The week dragged and on August 30, it was finally time for a 10 week check.

The ultrasound was first this time and the sac was basically empty and not a trace of a heartbeat. Just a big black hole under a stretched out stomach. The tech was silent as I cried silent tears by myself in a cold, dark room. Why did I go by myself? My friend Amber had offered, I just didn't know how badly I would want a hand to hold. Dr. Nett came in and held me. This woman who had known me for 10 minutes was crying with me and telling me if she was queen of the world, this would never happen. She took me back into the exam room and gave me my options. A D&C, Cytotec or wait it out. I did not want to wait it out, it seemed agonizing. A D&C always carries the risk of scar tissue so I chose Cytotec which would help my cervix soften. Maybe she talked to me in detail about it and I was in such a fog, I couldn't think but I really wish I knew what I was getting myself into.

I was crying so hard, they showed me the stairs so I wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room. I'm sure I called Keith, but I don't even remember. I went to pick up Kenzie and Amber was there again as a wonderful support. When Keith got home that night at dinnertime, I inserted the first pill. I was mildly cramping within a half hour so I continued to use them as prescribed. That was a big mistake as I had no idea what I was in for. We settled in for the night on the couch watching a show because I couldn't sleep through the cramping. Keith stayed up with me until about midnight or one when I started passing clots. He gave me a blessing and went to bed. The pain really kicked in about 2 AM. I called the doctors office and told the doc on call how much pain I was in and asked if that was normal and could I take any painkillers? She was so cold and callus. She said, "Well you're having a miscarriage, what did you expect? Take a little ibuprofen, you'll get through it." After I got off the phone with her, I broke down. I felt so belittled and alone.

My praying became more fervent as the pain intensified and I continued passing clots for two more hours. I had never felt so alone in my life. And yet, I knew the Savior was with me, helping me bear this burden. Around 4:30 AM, I was seriously thinking something was wrong and was debating waking Keith to take me to the hospital when I had the urge to push. I went to the bathroom and pushed for about 10 minutes until the bulk of baby and tissue passed. I was too horrified to even look. The relief for my body was immediate. I went to bed and finally found rest. A few hours later, my friend knocked on the door and took Kenzie for a few hours. I was so grateful, I needed to rest so badly. I was physically weak for a couple of days and really emotionally drained.

The most beneficial thing for me was to talk to my sisters. Nycole is always so compassionate and Rachel had been through a miscarriage herself that was further along but our emotions were very similar. I also had really sweet friends drop off little notes and gifts and word spread well enough that I only had a couple awkward situations a few weeks down the road in which I had to explain why my stomach was shrinking, not growing. It was an emotional roller coaster for a few months. I didn't feel like myself and it was strenuous on my marriage. Luckily we were on the brink of fall, my favorite season. It helped to throw myself into all of the festivities and to focus on the beautiful child I did have.

 I'm grateful now for this experience. I still cannot recall it without pain but it has given me greater compassion for others and helped me cherish all that I have. It also opened my eyes to all of the goodness around me and the kind friends and family that I have been blessed with.