Unshared Birth Story #6

Disclaimer: If you don't like period talk, don't read.

As usual this summer, we made a trip to Utah/Idaho. Towards the end of the trip I started what I thought was my period. We were really busy with Keith in town so I didn't have much time to pay attention to the fact that I only bled two days when I always bleed for 6-7. I should have known then that something was off but we were so busy I just didn't give it much thought. We came home about a week later and I'm usually a little bummed when we get back. It's so quiet and cousins aren't around to play with. Plus, we were still settling in and I hadn't really made social connections yet. Understandably, I was feeling down and irritable. I became so irritable though, my thinking became irrational and I was taking my anger out on Keith and the kids. He said something to me that I can't even remember but which set me off so badly and I knew I was being crazy and overreacting. I hadn't been feeling well either so I had the thought to take a pregnancy test. We weren't trying so I wasn't really expecting much but I knew if I wasn't pregnant, I needed to go to someone for help because my hormones were really out of wack!

I didn't say anything to Keith I just huffed up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. On a whim, I had bought a couple pregnancy tests in Idaho because I like to have them on hand. I took the first one and much to my shock I watched a second pink line form to indicate a positive pregnancy. I burst into tears. I was so crazy overwhelmed and in that moment I felt grossly inadequate to raise another child. After calming down, I found Keith (still rightfully frustrated with me) and told him I was pregnant. He didn't believe it and didn't say much. I think we were both in a bit of shock. I decided I needed to take another test just in case the first was a false positive. I was shocked again to find the second test confirmed the first. The next day, I went out and bought a non dollar store test because I was sure the first two were wrong (denial is strong my friends) and found that one also positive.

My mind was going crazy. I felt like I had already lost the baby and told Keith so. I think for him, the baby never felt real. I did bleed in Utah but I tend to bleed a bit every time I'm pregnant, just not to that extent. It had already been a week since the bleeding had stopped though and the tests were all positive. In hindsight, I should have gone to an OB. I was not in my right mind though and decided to wait it all out. It was a long few weeks of crazy hormones, frequent nausea and going back and forth playing mind games with myself (why didn't I go to a doctor?!) After a few more weeks of crazy, the cramping started. Horrible aching in my back and nausea that kept me in bed. I knew I was losing the baby. The next week was long and not nearly as awful as the last experience because I wasn't as far along but it still hurt knowing I had lost something I didn't even know I wanted. It took a couple of months for me to feel ok again and about 6 months later, I'm finally feeling back to my old self. I'm not sure if we'll try for pregnancy again. In my mind, I'm missing a 4th child but I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with any more loss.